i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
