I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Never let your siblings swipe right.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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