im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
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