He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You ruined the universe
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize