Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
