He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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