i dont even know how to be here
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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