when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
