What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
