i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
