my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
