When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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