My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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