i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
