Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
