I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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