I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
