Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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