I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
