I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
