I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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