I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
