I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
