i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
