i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
