we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
