It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
