So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
