i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
