My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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