3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
