I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize