my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
