I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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