so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
i now understand why vodka
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
