I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
