At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
