I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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