i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
