haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Bring me that man meat
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
