I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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