At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
