you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
