Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
