That's intense
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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