Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
