JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
