i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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