I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
