I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
