The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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