I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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