You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
