you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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