so that wasnt chicken after all
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
