new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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