Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
