Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
