Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
